My Story

 

I had no clue I was an alcoholic until one day I heard a voice out of the blue tell me so.

I was driving down Highway 1 with the green and golden hills to my left and the sparkling blue waters of the Pacific on my right, wondering how my life had gotten so messed up.

I asked the question out loud to myself. What is wrong with me? Why is everything falling apart?

Clear as a bell, a voice responded. You're an alcoholic, Amy.

I was so shocked,  not that I had just heard a voice, but at what the voice said.

What? And again the voice said, you're an alcoholic. Now, at this point I probably should have been concerned that I was hearing voices, but that was the last thing on my mind.

My life had taken a distinct downward trajectory over the past year. I was in such a sick and drunken state that I simply could not fathom why everything was falling apart. I couldn't keep a job. My husband and children were afraid of me. I was physically and mentally dying.

I thought I had tried everything. I switched from wine to beer. I asked my doctor for antidepressants. I went keto. Not once did I consider cutting out alcohol completely, because that wasn't my problem, it was the only thing helping me get through the day. I was so deep in my delusion that I could not imagine a life in which I didn't drink.

And then I heard that voice, and in one simple statement my world unraveled.

My problem had been sitting there waiting for me to find it all along. By some twist of brain chemistry, it literally slapped me in the face on a trip to the grocery store.

I was an alcoholic.

I kept repeating it to myself for the rest of that drive. Over and over, out loud — I'm an alcoholic. And with each repetition, something unexpected began to build in my chest. Hope. I knew people recovered from alcoholism. I had seen it in movies. There was a way out of the deep hole I had dug for myself.

I went to rehab and began attending AA meetings. This is where I met people who had survived this disease. This is where I learned how to live. This is where I grew up. And as they say in the rooms, by the grace of God, I have been sober since March 25, 2016.

I learned that I needed a set of tools to make it in this life, and so began a transformational journey to find them and use them every single day. Along the way I found painting, meditation, and writing. I began doing these things daily and slowly started to rebuild myself from the inside out.

Painting helped me find a flow state where I felt in contact with something greater than myself, my higher power. From that, Contact Canvas was born.

Then I found breathwork. Practicing it every day helped me move trapped energy and trauma that had been stuck in my body for years. I became lighter. Contact Breath was born.

Through all of it, I became my true self. I feel comfortable in my body. I connect with source energy every day.

I truly believe that we already have everything inside of us to create the life we desire. Nothing in the outside world can fulfil us,  it must come from within. Love, acceptance, peace, it's all there. It has been there the whole time. We just need a way to access it.

Art, breathwork, journaling, and meditation are the tools I bring into my daily practice to stay mentally and spiritually well.

All of my work carries this intention. We are the light in the darkness. Every day we have a choice, to turn toward the light or the dark.

I chose the light, and I invite you to do the same.

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